Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Okay, so the poor marks keep rolling in and my morale is fast fading.
Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating....since that test, I've only gotten a lab back. It was a terrible mark, too, though. It sucks. It's hard to feel motivated after that but...I'm trying to pull up the socks and start things far earlier and I'm doing a lot of extra background research whenever I can. I dropped a course, as well, so it should all help. (The course I dropped was not related to what I really wanted to be doing. I don't do post-processual archaeology....)
In general, life has been fair.
The Halloween weekened was fairly fun, albeit steeped in excessive debauchery. Who knew that I could outdo everyone in that department. I'm just glad I'm not stupid and I can stop myself before I go right over the edge. I decided that I was worried before the night was over and made an effort to stop, successfully. I sure felt it the rest of the weekend, though. And the party on Saturday was okay - but it's so hard to relate to everyone when they are drunk and you are not.
I need to get more work done. The anxiety is building. I've got too much going on. I can't even compete in the Westview competition this month and I don't think my highland teacher was very happy about it...being that I can't recall the last time I was worked that hard in class. I wanted to pass out!! Volunteering in the Wadi Ziqlab is really enjoyable. They always think I'm so bored doing their grunt work but I really like it. As long as I'm working in an archaeology lab and I'm surrounded by artifacts and other archaeologists, I'm happy.
Oh, oh, I went on a dig on Friday!!! It was a Late Archaic site in a park in Scarborough. They did a crash course field school thing for me and I loved it so so much. It completely affirmed for me that yes, this is where I want to be and this is what I want to be doing with my life. I was so happy that it made me so hyper--luckily too, because I needed the energy for 7 hours of excavating-labourness. haha. It was great. Bunny-bucketing gave me a lot of unsightly bruises though. :p
So this summer, my choices still linger....Ontario Geological Survey?....or do archaeology fieldwork....It might just come down to the choice of money or no money, since the survey pays me. But who knows, maybe I won't have a choice. After all, I can't drive and the survey prefers drivers...for their...trucks...
So, besides the usual run of stress, stress, stress with school, I'll talk about how I'm feeling about something that's bothering me right now.
I feel stupid this year. I'm not believing I am - I think i'm an intelligent girl, if not extremely dedicated and diligent when faced with the struggles of learning...but I feel like for some reason, everyone is so far beyond me in understanding...I don't know....I feel like I'm struggling to take it all in and remember it every night while I'm frantically pouring over my books and journals. I feel the anxiety of trying to stand on two feet just so I can converse and debate with the lot of them. I think a lot of it has to do with my classes being very seminar like...and small (obviously). On the other hand, now that I'm thinking more on it...maybe it's because I've just figured out my chosen field of study (geoarchaeology) and the majority of my background is focused on ancient near eastern historical archaeology. I guess, honestly, I could converse about Egyptology or issues surrounding Israelite archaeology and etc etc, but now that I'm in pure archaeology - I suddenly don't have a reason to be talking baout that stuff anymore (not that i'm upset about it, I really wanted out of near eastern archaeology).
I'm not even sure why I'm talking about this. In many ways, it could have an up-side. It really motivates me to work. On the downside, the occasional on-the-verge-of-tears-why-don't-i-understand-what-this-fucking-text-is-saying can really get to me. But feeling unintelligent is a terrible feeling I'm not used to. I love school and I love talking academics. I feel like my ability to articulate myself has really decreased too, and I'm not sure where that's from. Maybe it's just panic. I'm closing in on the end here for my undergraduate career and there is no time for messing about. Panic makes me stumble. I just got to take it slow and easy. Hence, studying for everything a month in advance is now my course of action. Extra background research material is now the name of the game. Going to my profs/TA's for constant help is game plan. Going to the study-room or whatnot is the new idea. I think I can do it. This is what I want. I may not be a naturally brilliant person who just "Gets" everything and does well in schoolwork regardless, but I think I'm passionate and dedicated enough to prove myself. Sometimes I just need to say it outloud to motivate myself because it's so easy to feel down about it. I always struggled in school. I've never known the feeling of things being so easy. But I love it. I love my field, and I couldn't imagine a life without it. :)
Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating....since that test, I've only gotten a lab back. It was a terrible mark, too, though. It sucks. It's hard to feel motivated after that but...I'm trying to pull up the socks and start things far earlier and I'm doing a lot of extra background research whenever I can. I dropped a course, as well, so it should all help. (The course I dropped was not related to what I really wanted to be doing. I don't do post-processual archaeology....)
In general, life has been fair.
The Halloween weekened was fairly fun, albeit steeped in excessive debauchery. Who knew that I could outdo everyone in that department. I'm just glad I'm not stupid and I can stop myself before I go right over the edge. I decided that I was worried before the night was over and made an effort to stop, successfully. I sure felt it the rest of the weekend, though. And the party on Saturday was okay - but it's so hard to relate to everyone when they are drunk and you are not.
I need to get more work done. The anxiety is building. I've got too much going on. I can't even compete in the Westview competition this month and I don't think my highland teacher was very happy about it...being that I can't recall the last time I was worked that hard in class. I wanted to pass out!! Volunteering in the Wadi Ziqlab is really enjoyable. They always think I'm so bored doing their grunt work but I really like it. As long as I'm working in an archaeology lab and I'm surrounded by artifacts and other archaeologists, I'm happy.
Oh, oh, I went on a dig on Friday!!! It was a Late Archaic site in a park in Scarborough. They did a crash course field school thing for me and I loved it so so much. It completely affirmed for me that yes, this is where I want to be and this is what I want to be doing with my life. I was so happy that it made me so hyper--luckily too, because I needed the energy for 7 hours of excavating-labourness. haha. It was great. Bunny-bucketing gave me a lot of unsightly bruises though. :p
So this summer, my choices still linger....Ontario Geological Survey?....or do archaeology fieldwork....It might just come down to the choice of money or no money, since the survey pays me. But who knows, maybe I won't have a choice. After all, I can't drive and the survey prefers drivers...for their...trucks...
So, besides the usual run of stress, stress, stress with school, I'll talk about how I'm feeling about something that's bothering me right now.
I feel stupid this year. I'm not believing I am - I think i'm an intelligent girl, if not extremely dedicated and diligent when faced with the struggles of learning...but I feel like for some reason, everyone is so far beyond me in understanding...I don't know....I feel like I'm struggling to take it all in and remember it every night while I'm frantically pouring over my books and journals. I feel the anxiety of trying to stand on two feet just so I can converse and debate with the lot of them. I think a lot of it has to do with my classes being very seminar like...and small (obviously). On the other hand, now that I'm thinking more on it...maybe it's because I've just figured out my chosen field of study (geoarchaeology) and the majority of my background is focused on ancient near eastern historical archaeology. I guess, honestly, I could converse about Egyptology or issues surrounding Israelite archaeology and etc etc, but now that I'm in pure archaeology - I suddenly don't have a reason to be talking baout that stuff anymore (not that i'm upset about it, I really wanted out of near eastern archaeology).
I'm not even sure why I'm talking about this. In many ways, it could have an up-side. It really motivates me to work. On the downside, the occasional on-the-verge-of-tears-why-don't-i-understand-what-this-fucking-text-is-saying can really get to me. But feeling unintelligent is a terrible feeling I'm not used to. I love school and I love talking academics. I feel like my ability to articulate myself has really decreased too, and I'm not sure where that's from. Maybe it's just panic. I'm closing in on the end here for my undergraduate career and there is no time for messing about. Panic makes me stumble. I just got to take it slow and easy. Hence, studying for everything a month in advance is now my course of action. Extra background research material is now the name of the game. Going to my profs/TA's for constant help is game plan. Going to the study-room or whatnot is the new idea. I think I can do it. This is what I want. I may not be a naturally brilliant person who just "Gets" everything and does well in schoolwork regardless, but I think I'm passionate and dedicated enough to prove myself. Sometimes I just need to say it outloud to motivate myself because it's so easy to feel down about it. I always struggled in school. I've never known the feeling of things being so easy. But I love it. I love my field, and I couldn't imagine a life without it. :)
