Archy Laura and her Daily Cup of Tea

Some of you will remember my writing of the first few chapters of this parody (posted below) from the summer - inspired from my pent up frustration with working on a chip truck all summer...which really has nothing to do with the rest of the story, but that's just how my mind works....very...random...like...electron jumping. I happened to stumble upon it while cleaning through my files. I thought I'd share it with all of you, since it's my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want. In fact, it had nothing to do with me wanting to SHARE it with you than it did with me wanting to post it for my own perverse amusement. Now, before the people who don't really know me start reading it, I should warn you: I have a penchant for parody. I love parody. Douglas Adams is my idol and I think Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy should replace things like...the entire literature list for highschool English...the telephone book...and maybe even the bible. Anyway, should I continue writing this story and finish it? Let me know in the comments.

Honestly, Laura without school is .....probably reading other textbooks for next term, okay, fine, you win. But...Just shut up and read it. And if you so much as steal a sentence from this story, I will personally track you down and slap you in the face with my trowel.
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Chapter One: Clearly Inspired from slaving on a Chip Truck For Real All Summer

Emperor Chips was standing outside... glaring at his little white vessel, The Chip Truck... a large boxy structure with wheels and a few windows, filled on the inside with metal. On the outside, red painted letters stood out, saying: R&B's... He had long forgotten what the name stood for, only that it was from his past, a past that didn't include Emperor Chips, but his former self. He strained to remember his own former name, but gave up when he later reflected on the greatness that was Emperor Chips. Especially in the third person. And when you are so greatly powerful, why would you want to remember your former weenie self? And whatever the Chip Truck was in its former past, it was now a spaceship. Or at least that's what Emperor Chips had been working on for the past month in secret. The Transformation. The key. The key to everything. Only it didn't work. And now he was pissed off.

He looked at his side, then at his hands, then all around for his SupraGalactic-Charged-ionized-pulsar-Ray-Gunner gun. But the he realized with much disappointment that it didn’t exist and that he had just made it up entirely. A great frown creased his face, then soon changed into an angry glare. It would have to be done the old fashioned way for now, for Emperor Chips would have a SupraGalactic-Charged-ionized-pulsar-Ray-Gunner gun, just like he would have a spaceship that flew!

So, Emperor Chips curled up his fists and moved to destroy the little white chip truck vessel with his own two hands, but stopped only when he realized a boy with a mop of hair was staring at him from behind. He whirled around, snarling, “What?!”

“Um…I want some chips?”

“Some chips? You want some chips?”

“Er, yes?” The boy’s eyes shifted, he scratched his head in confusion.

“You dare ask Emperor Chips for …chips?” He pulled himself up to look impressive, despite that he looked impressive no matter what he did.

“Well, yeah. This is a chip truck, isn’t it? You sell chips?”

“I am the great Emperor Chips, and I do not sell measly chips, boy. Kneel before your emperor.”

The boy seemed frozen in place at first, the cool coastal winds blowing through his brown hair, the beach waters murmuring in the background. Then he stifled a laugh. Then the boy just laughed outright. This of course enraged Emperor Chips. He drew himself up even further and contemplated throwing the boy into the lake. But instead he turned back to his little white vessel, which refused to fly into space, and went back to preparing to destroy it.

“What are you doing?” The boy asked, forgetting about the chips. He still had laughter in his eyes.

“I’m preparing to destroy this ship.”

“Ship?…it’s a truck.”

“How dare you.”

“Er…okay? How are you going to destroy it?”

“With the strength of my two lordly hands,” Emperor Chips growled, fierceness unraveling in his muscular frame.

The boy looked from Emperor Chips, a tall young man with dark hair and chiseled features wearing fitted jeans and a t-shirt, to the chip truck, a large white cargo truck that had been made into a vendor shop.

“You can’t destroy that with your hands!”

“And why not?”

“Because you’d probably only dent it.”

“I am Greatness.”

“You don’t look so Great.”

Again, Emperor Chips contemplated throwing the boy in the lake, but seeing as there were many people lounging about on the sandy beach, he thought better of it. Then he’d have to throw them ALL in the lake and he was much too busy for that.

“What do you mean?” he snapped instead, surveying the vessel up and down.

“Well I mean, you’re wearing jeans and a t-shirt. You don’t look great. You look like my next door neighbour.”

For some reason, being compared with the boy-next-door enraged Emperor Chips. It enraged him so much that he attacked the chip truck. He attacked it good. The stupid thing never flew! And after all that time buying all of those spare parts from Ebay. Darth Chips was pissed, as any frugal man was. Plus the boy was insulting him. But maybe he had a point.
He stepped back from the dented chip truck and glared angrily at the boy, who snickered. Finally, summoning great strength-the sort of strength and power that led Emperor Chips to believe he was a great Emperor in the first place, picked up a large branch and began beating the truck with it. The boy laughed even harder. Darth Emperor grew even more frustrated.

Finally, in the end, he madly drove the truck into the lake and then went home. He had things to think about.

a) Getting a spaceship that did fly—off of earth
b) An essay
c) The fact that a working spaceship would make the essay irrelevent, thereby shortening the list of things to think about to only A)
d) The fact that finding a working spaceship, thereby making the essay on the list irrelevent, would actually just made his list of things to think about longer because of having to think about revising his list, like potentially wondering if he should add something in place of the essay, rather than just crossing it off...like...bird watching.



Chapter Two: The Call to Ms. Muffin

So, Emperor Chips had weighty problems on his mind. And he didn’t know how to solve them. Where do you get a spaceship? He was an emperor and needed to establish his empire in space, that much seemed logical; there were warring kingdoms out there just waiting to be taken over. He just knew it. Earth was holding him back, making his life meaningless, and he was going to put an end to it. As soon as he found a working spaceship.

So, Emperor Chips made a sound decision when he reached for his telephone and called his best friend, Ms. Muffin, the person that always helped him solve his most deepest problems.

Ms. Muffin was a peculiar name to be sure, and maybe it wasn’t even her real name. Who knew? Emperor Chips had called her Ms. Muffin for so long that he had forgotten if she had any other name. And she never objected to being called as such, so maybe it was her real name? Maybe today he’d ask what her real name was, but probably not. She might get mad that he had forgotten and plus, he didn’t really want to listen to the story. He had his own problems.

“Hello?” A chipper voice answered.

“Ms. Muffin, how are ya?”

“Oh you know, I was just going through some old papers, and oh, you’ll never believe what I just found a-“

“Hey, do you know where I can find a spaceship then?” Emperor Chips was examining his nails in a bored sort of way.

“Huh? Oh. Um,” a pause, “didn’t your chip truck fly?”

Emperor Chips grew very sullen. “Shut up, I don’t need to listen to this.” He considered hanging up the phone because he quite frankly, didn’t need her nagging. That she had warned him not to spend so much time and money buying whacky parts from Ebay to makeshift a spaceship out of his chip truck.

“I didn’t say anything. Well don’t worry.”

Listen to that! On and on! Nag and nag and nag!

“I mean, the important thing is that you tried, right? So no worries.”

“I don’t know where to get a damned spaceship!” He couldn't take it any longer.

Ms. Muffin cleared her throat a bit. “Well, what do you want one for anyway?”

“To get off this crappy planet!”

“It’s not all that bad,” Ms. Muffin conceded.

“Yeah, for you. Because you’re on top of the world and I’m a piece of rubbish in a garbage can.”

“What?!”

“I’m not some commoner fool! Apt to spend the rest of my life trudging alongside you pointless, meaningless, stupid lot!” Emperor Chips exclaimed in horror. “I am Emperor Chips!”

“You know, you totally are…totally are. You see? You’re more than all that, so no need to worry, right?”

“I need to rule a kingdom, not work a stupid chip truck and serve people chips! Or go to school to get a…career,” He spat the word in disgust. “To study or work, to do the vile bidding of others. I will not!”

“Hmm yes, I agree, you do need a break from the chip truck.”

“I drove that damnable thing into the lake today,” Emperor Chips stated flatly.

“Oh yeah? Well maybe next week you’ll feel better. I mean, the heat, it’s been so hot lately.”

Emperor Chips started to get impatient, he drummed his fingers on his desk. He didn’t think she was believing him.

“I need to look like an emperor. I need to look GREAT!” He began saying.

Silence on the end of the line and then, “Well, an emperor…hmm…you could always wear a black cloak?”

“Instead of jeans and a t-shirt?”

“Er, yes.”

“Hmmm…that would make me look far greater...possibly evil. Which is a road I've been thinking about, to be frank.”

“Yep.”

“Alright, that’s what I’ll do. Now about a spaceship?”

“Oh well, maybe you could hitch a ride and then steal their ship?”

Emperor Chips contemplated this, hmmphing for a moment. It seemed like a good idea, but how would he attract a ship? And then get on it? He voiced his concerns to Ms. Muffin immediately.

She responded thoughtfully, saying, “Ask the aliens to abduct you!”

"Ask them?"

"Yeah, apparently they can read minds...wherever you are. They're telepathic, so I've heard. And asking them outright just might work."

“Really?”

“Well, everyone thinks the exact opposite, maybe someone actually wanting to be abducted will interest them. I mean, it’s bound to work. Then you just steal their ship, they’ll never expect it.”

Emperor Chips brightened. “Then that’s what I’ll do. I’ll do it tonight and I’ll finally get out of here, to find a truer purpose.”

Ms. Muffin went silent for a moment. Though Emperor Chips could not see her face, he knew his friend was not too happy about this. He could almost sense her brooding sadness, the prospect of him leaving forever.

“We’ll meet again someday,” he shrugged.

“Yeah. Of course, I’ll er…drop in on your…intergalactic empire…someday…”

“Good! I’ll see you then!”

“Er, okay! Good luck Mr. Bubbles!”

"I am NOT Mr. Bubbles-"

CLICK.

"Hello? Ms. Muffin, get back here this instant! How dare--hello?"

Empire Chips hung up the phone, grinding his teeth momentarily. But then he got back on track and his thoughts returned to his plans. He felt strong. So strong that he crushed an empty pop can to demonstrate his strength. But then realized that pop cans were lightweight and easy to crush and felt that he needed to find something worthy to crush. But thinking about what to crush was exhausting, because everything was either too easy or they were objects owned by his mother, who would not have been happy to find them crushed, greatness or no greatness.

So, instead, Empire Chips fell asleep for a little while, dreaming about how he was going to trick some aliens and steal their ship while wearing a fabulously evil looking black cloak. A black cloak which certainly be the key to becoming a great emperor in outer space....

Oh wait, no it wasn't. It was supposed to be the spaceship. The cloak was secondary.

Chapter 3: Goodbye Earth

Emperor Chips was ready that night. He said his goodbyes to his parents and told them they could turn his bedroom into a sauna. They seemed a bit confused, but Emperor Chips was sure they’d get over it, especially once they were enjoying the sauna. He went around to various clothing shops, demanding the finest evil-looking black cloaks, but nobody seemed to have any. This enraged Emperor Chips and he stormed off, fuming about the lack of black cloaks in the world. It was no wonder that Earth had no Evil Emperors ruling it—they didn’t have the dresswear to go with the career. It was job dissatisfaction at its highest. Like a CEO. Without a convertible.

To save time, he found a black top coat and hat, which he dawned impressively. Next, he buckled his intricately decorated sword (that he bought from Ebay), into the scabbard by his side, and put on his heavy steel toed black boots with silver bits and buckles. He felt that the steel toes could come in handy. You never know what to expect in space. In a handy shoulder slung canvas bag that he stole from Ms. Muffin last week, he tucked away a National Geographic, a few bags of tea, a protein bar, some pot, and a University of Toronto t-shirt. Then he went to bed and began to call for the aliens.

At first it started out with nice politeness. He complemented them on fearlessly abhoring clothing, smoking and reality TV. And in his list of why he should be abducted over a drunken farmer, he included that being fabulous constituted all factors in one easy to remember package. And so his list wasn't really a list at all, but he was sure they got the point. Emperor Chips later decided to himself that he would abolish list-making, being that they never quite worked out for him and thereby should never work out for anyone else either.

As the hours drew on, Emperor Chips got very tired...and eventually vulgar and rude and he kept it up until it didn’t seem like anything was going to happen. But that’s how things usually work, when you stop trying, it just seems to work out. So, right after he decided that when he woke up in the morning, he was going to give it all up and lie on a beach in the Caribbean for 10 years, a blinding flash of light filled the room.

“Do not be afraid,” a tinny voice drifted from beyond the light.

“What?”

“Do noooot beee affraaaid.”

Emperor Chips blinked. He was still half asleep and the voice was all wrong. It was weird sounding and muffled and it sounded like it was coming from the back of his head. And there was all of this white light searing into his eyes.

“I can’t fucking see you with all this ridiculous light. Either get rid of it or take off! You're not the only alien race out there, you know!”

Silence. Then the light receded and a thin and small being stood in the centre of his bedroom. It had a big head and huge black eyes.

“You are one of the few to call for us,” it bowed its big head and Emperor Chips waited for it to topple over from the weight of it all, but it didn’t. He admittedly was disappointed.

“Others have wanted to be abducted?” This fact disappointed Emperor Chips more.

“Yes, some.” It tilted its’ big head curiously.

“I see.” Emperor Chips wasn’t really that interested to hear why other people wanted to be abducted because he was certain that their reasons were not as great nor as interesting as his.

“Yes,” it echoed

Emperor Chips looked at his nails and then checked his hair, to make sure it wasn’t flat from lying on his pillow. Then he checked his watch in a very impatient-like fashion before looking at the alien, standing there like a statue. Chips didn’t understand why this abduction was supposed to be so terrifying. Abductees whined and prattled on like school children about it. What was it that was supposed to frighten him? He stared harder at the alien. It just tilted its great big head again. It wasn’t doing anything scary and it wasn’t threatening him…maybe it was because the damn thing didn’t say it had come in peace? Maybe abductees were left to their own imaginations, which can never be good.

“Um, excuse me?” Chips started, thoughtfully. “Could you maybe tell me that you’ve come in peace? I’m just curious.”

“Peace?”

“Yes, you know, love and all of that?”

“I do not come here with any specific human emotion.”

“I see, so you don’t come in peace.” Chips pondered this development, scratching his chin in thought. Now, maybe abductees came to the conclusion that because the little things didn’t come in peace, they were coming in…in….what was opposite to peace?

“What is opposite to peace?”

“I’m sorry?”

Hate? Violence? Strife? Nothing sounded good. Peace just encompassed all of the warm fuzzy adjectives in one basket. But what was the adjective that gathered up all of the dreadful non-peaceful ideas? There had to be one.

Chips went to get his dictionary, but then turned around halfway to the bookshelf.

“Wait a minute, enough of this mind trickery!”

“What?”

“You’re in my mind!”

“My species speaks telepathically.” The big head bobbed.

“Hmm, just stop asking me to check my dictionary.”

The alien tilted its giant head and looked at him in a puzzled sort of way-of course we’re only guessing that the alien was looking puzzled, it’s hard to tell when the alien has an unmoving face.

“Anyway, when I’ve taken over the galaxy as your Emperor, this whole telepathic thing is going to end…well wait, it is pretty cool. Yeah, I could go for being telepathic. It would certainly give me an edge over my enemies.”

“But we all are telepathic. You would have no edge.”

“Well, then I’d do away with it for everyone but myself.”

“Then who would you speak with?”

“Listen, who are you? My court advisor? What’s your name!” Chips growled, looking at his watch again.

“Rainbow.”

“Your…name is Rainbow?”

“Yes.”

“Who…where…why is your name Rainbow? Your name can’t be Rainbow!”

“We don’t have names in the sense of you Earth humans. Before I came to this world for research, I decided it would be appropriate to give myself a name, incase I was in a situation where I would be asked. Such as this.”

“You picked a name to…fit in, then?”

“Perhaps.”

Emperor Chips pulled at his hair. It was ridiculous. “Well, you don’t fit in at all! Nobody has a name like Rainbow! Argh, you’re stressing me out."

"Some people on your world are indeed named, Rainbow."

"What the fuckery! Let’s just go, already, I’m on a schedule.”

“As you wish.”

And with a flash of light, Emperor Chips was inside of a cold metallic spaceship. We all know it’s a spaceship. It could be described as cold and metallic, with walls and high ceilings embedded with dim lights and clicking control screens-but why don’t you use your own imagination.

So, Emperor Chips looked around the chip with a satisfied nod. They walked down the twisting cooridors, passing other identical aliens, until they got to a large circular room. A wide viewer screen stretched across one half of the room, Earth peacefully revolving on its orbit against a backdrop of twinkling stars.

“No weird alien probes or experiments, got it?” Emperor Chips looked down at Rainbow with a glare, reaching for his blade.

The alien stared back blankly.

“We bring Earth humans on board our vessels for research only.” Rainbow tilted its head. “Why else would you ask to be abducted?”

“Um, not for your research?”

Rainbow stepped in front of Chips. “But this is not allowed. We have never allowed Earth humans to interact with our race.”

“Why not?” Chips was gripping the hilt now. He noticed out of the corner of his eye a few more aliens streaming into the large room.

“It’s not appropriate. Your species is not ready.”

One of the other aliens crossed over to them. For some reason, it looked like the one in charge, though Chips couldn’t for the life of him figure out what made him appear like that.

“Yes,” this new alien spoke in the same relaxed voice. “Our highest laws ensure that our people do not interact with civilizations not yet ready to make that step.

“Hm, I see.” Chips stepped around them, checking out the gadgets and computer screens that dazzled his technologically obsessed mind.

“But I’m not here to interact with your people. So it’s okay.”

The aliens looked at each other.

“I’m here to rule, as Emperor. You don’t have rules against dealing with humans that want to rule you, do you? Just interact in your society-right?”

Strange whispering chatter irritated Chips brain as the aliens spoke among themselves. There were about six of them in the circular room now.

“We have never contemplated this before. Humans are technologically inferior to the ARHHHHHHH! race.”

Disturbed, Chips stepped back. “That’s the name of your race?”

“Our race does not have an Earth-like name, as you name your cultures.”


“Then why the hell did you just call yourselves the ARHHHHHHH! Race?”

“I needed to create a name, so as not to disturb you. I thought one up while speaking to you.”

Emperor Chips was in bad need of a drink at this point. “Er....yeah...”

“Did I do a poor job?”

“Yes. Yes you did. You god damn scared the shit out of me. The fact that you’re a weird alien is fine, but when you go about trying to emulate humans…Just don't, before I lose it. Listen, so do you have a rule against human overlords or what?”

“No, but-“

“Good! Now that that is settled… My path to becoming a great Emperor has been laid. Onward I will walk. Yonder…into those dark depths of space, to unchartered alien lands we go. How many civilizations in this particular solar system.”

“128 known,” Rainbow answered.

“Are you a kingdom?”

“No, we are neutral and unaligned explorers.”

Chips hmmmed thoughtfully.

“But there is a large Empire that has been expanding for some time, encompassing many developing civilizations. It is known as the Kingdom of The Darkest Transcending Black Evils."

Shock hung in the air - all owned by Chips. "That's truly terrifying."

"They are feared by those with emotions."

"What? No, I mean, they took the EXACT name I had in mind for my kingdom. Honest to god."
Chips was pissed. What next?!

"Well, they'll just have to be the first to go."

"They are an impermanent force in this galaxy, human," the alien visitor protested. Or...just said...very plainly...(because he doesn't have 'emotions' to differentiate between unendowed words and protesting.)

Chips waved them off.
“Not for long. I have a plan. Hmmm. From now on, Rainbow, you will address me as Emperor Chips and you are from henceforth my personal advisor. To the Kingdom of The Darkest Transcending Black Evils we go! Now stop talking, your tinny-on-acid voices are making me want to smoke my entire stash at once.”