Monday, January 16, 2006
And I'll wait I'll wait I'll wait I'll wait till you fall from grace
Ah the start of 2nd week of term 2.
I'm all a jumble.
I'm still trying to sort out my new schedule because I'm just so forgetful. I have a really full and busy week this term and it entails me having to bust my ass off even harder to get through it with the outcomes I want. It's hard to motivate yourself sometimes because you just feel so tired. I'm trying to have a better social life too, to balance it all out. My goal is to have the weekend relatively free...enough to go out and realize that the majority of the weekend will be spent recovering from hang overs. I went out both weekends and was my self - and that seemed to work out fantastically. Though, I think I was feeling a lot more confident now that I have contacts. There's something about losing the frames that I've donned for 15 years. It's like the symbolic divide between my inward life and going outside of it. For some reason I just looked up Broca on wikipedia and then linked into Aphasia and started freaking myself out that I have that disease.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wernicke%27s_aphasia
So anyway...back to my weekends...
I was completely terrified with how much I am hit on. Though I have to admit, though it can be nice, I feel a lot of indifference to it. It mostly amuses me and confuses me on some level. I think I think too much. Except on Saturday night... when we randomly joined the booth of these 2 guys and...one of them...well we hit it off really well I think and I liked him, and the scary part was, I think he liked me too. We talked all night. In the end though, as things usually happen, he had a gf. But it was okay. I just enjoyed the night, I enjoyed the night. But it was..I don't know...I feel like I'm up in the clouds.
Life lately has become a learning experience of sorts lately. I've really been learning how to keep emotions and feelings in check - something that I don't think a lot of people understand how difficult is for me. You spend most of your whole life not entangling yourself in the affairs of others and keeping detached and away from everything... that when you finally step into the figurative ring, it's like an unexpected punch in the face. It's a terrifying rollercoaster ride; you have no idea where it's going or what it's doing. But it's getting easier. I know indifference isn't so good..and I'm sure my developing cynicism isn't good either, but it keeps me from falling off. Talking about it and turning it into an amusing story also works. And it amuses my friends over dinner. haha.
And feelings that I've been hiding away in the back of my mind for so long now, I think I've managed to numb them. I've learned there's no point in admiting them and I don't care what anyone says.
I wish I could view everything with the care free easiness that everyone else seems to convey, but I guess that's the price I pay for my perpetually calculating mind. And I'm always going to feel like I'm still outside the box on it, like watching a film unfold of which I'm not quite a part of...so I just have to accept it. And besides, it's my character. And that's the best thing to remember, I HAVE character. ha ha, it's like I use my blog to write until I've made myself feel better haha.
Today, I tried to get out of my bed at 7:30am but my groggy self was not having it. I rolled out around 8am and struggled downstairs for breakfast. God I love cereal. I actually had a cup of coffee too, I was so desperate to snap to. I had barely slept all weekend. I went out and got to bed at 3:30am both nights and got up around 8am both mornings. Ugh. And I barely slept through the night, to boot. Anyways, I got to the Earth Sci library finally around 10am and desperately tried to get the Hunter-Gatherer readings done before lecture at 2pm. I was so terrified that I had an archaeology lab that noon, but to my relief checked and saw that it wasn't until next week. I breaked at noon and headed to the ASA office for lunch. My return to the library was delayed by nearly forgetting to recharge my laptop battery and joking around with my friends in the office. Got back to the library, barely made it through the last 2 articles and sped off back to Sid Smith for lecture. When I got there, it had dawned on me that I gave my friend -who had just joined hte class - the wrong room number. At first I laughed about it. Then I did the right thing and called him on his mobile to tell him. I participated a lot more than I expected of myself. It's funny, I absolutely dread participating and I don't want to do it at all costs. I shrink down into my seat. And then all of a sudden, he asks questions and before I'm aware of what's happening, my hand is in the air and I'm talking. Halfway through talking, I realize I'm talking. I guess it's better that way. I'm so good at stuff when I just go with my instincts. Thinking always trips you up when you're dealing with the outside world. You have to seperate thinking and interacting, it's weird. Not to say NOT to think - but that you have to think beforehand and then just let it ride on instinct, the flow, and the outside motions of things. You can't combine them. Or at least, I can't. I don't know about you lot. My best soccer playing was when I yelled at myself to stop thinking ...and when I shut it off, I got better. Stuff like that.
Afterwards, we had an ASA meeting downstairs. It wore on for so long and I was getting so restless. I get so out of it when I'm tired and hungry - hypoglycemic, I swear to jebus.
Anyway...went back to rez for dinner and now I'm just killing some time for my laptop to recharge before I head to the library. I need to get some serious work done this week and I'm determined. I just wish I could get this stupid archaeology lab finished. I'm finding it so difficult.
I'm all a jumble.
I'm still trying to sort out my new schedule because I'm just so forgetful. I have a really full and busy week this term and it entails me having to bust my ass off even harder to get through it with the outcomes I want. It's hard to motivate yourself sometimes because you just feel so tired. I'm trying to have a better social life too, to balance it all out. My goal is to have the weekend relatively free...enough to go out and realize that the majority of the weekend will be spent recovering from hang overs. I went out both weekends and was my self - and that seemed to work out fantastically. Though, I think I was feeling a lot more confident now that I have contacts. There's something about losing the frames that I've donned for 15 years. It's like the symbolic divide between my inward life and going outside of it. For some reason I just looked up Broca on wikipedia and then linked into Aphasia and started freaking myself out that I have that disease.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wernicke%27s_aphasia
So anyway...back to my weekends...
I was completely terrified with how much I am hit on. Though I have to admit, though it can be nice, I feel a lot of indifference to it. It mostly amuses me and confuses me on some level. I think I think too much. Except on Saturday night... when we randomly joined the booth of these 2 guys and...one of them...well we hit it off really well I think and I liked him, and the scary part was, I think he liked me too. We talked all night. In the end though, as things usually happen, he had a gf. But it was okay. I just enjoyed the night, I enjoyed the night. But it was..I don't know...I feel like I'm up in the clouds.
Life lately has become a learning experience of sorts lately. I've really been learning how to keep emotions and feelings in check - something that I don't think a lot of people understand how difficult is for me. You spend most of your whole life not entangling yourself in the affairs of others and keeping detached and away from everything... that when you finally step into the figurative ring, it's like an unexpected punch in the face. It's a terrifying rollercoaster ride; you have no idea where it's going or what it's doing. But it's getting easier. I know indifference isn't so good..and I'm sure my developing cynicism isn't good either, but it keeps me from falling off. Talking about it and turning it into an amusing story also works. And it amuses my friends over dinner. haha.
And feelings that I've been hiding away in the back of my mind for so long now, I think I've managed to numb them. I've learned there's no point in admiting them and I don't care what anyone says.
I wish I could view everything with the care free easiness that everyone else seems to convey, but I guess that's the price I pay for my perpetually calculating mind. And I'm always going to feel like I'm still outside the box on it, like watching a film unfold of which I'm not quite a part of...so I just have to accept it. And besides, it's my character. And that's the best thing to remember, I HAVE character. ha ha, it's like I use my blog to write until I've made myself feel better haha.
Today, I tried to get out of my bed at 7:30am but my groggy self was not having it. I rolled out around 8am and struggled downstairs for breakfast. God I love cereal. I actually had a cup of coffee too, I was so desperate to snap to. I had barely slept all weekend. I went out and got to bed at 3:30am both nights and got up around 8am both mornings. Ugh. And I barely slept through the night, to boot. Anyways, I got to the Earth Sci library finally around 10am and desperately tried to get the Hunter-Gatherer readings done before lecture at 2pm. I was so terrified that I had an archaeology lab that noon, but to my relief checked and saw that it wasn't until next week. I breaked at noon and headed to the ASA office for lunch. My return to the library was delayed by nearly forgetting to recharge my laptop battery and joking around with my friends in the office. Got back to the library, barely made it through the last 2 articles and sped off back to Sid Smith for lecture. When I got there, it had dawned on me that I gave my friend -who had just joined hte class - the wrong room number. At first I laughed about it. Then I did the right thing and called him on his mobile to tell him. I participated a lot more than I expected of myself. It's funny, I absolutely dread participating and I don't want to do it at all costs. I shrink down into my seat. And then all of a sudden, he asks questions and before I'm aware of what's happening, my hand is in the air and I'm talking. Halfway through talking, I realize I'm talking. I guess it's better that way. I'm so good at stuff when I just go with my instincts. Thinking always trips you up when you're dealing with the outside world. You have to seperate thinking and interacting, it's weird. Not to say NOT to think - but that you have to think beforehand and then just let it ride on instinct, the flow, and the outside motions of things. You can't combine them. Or at least, I can't. I don't know about you lot. My best soccer playing was when I yelled at myself to stop thinking ...and when I shut it off, I got better. Stuff like that.
Afterwards, we had an ASA meeting downstairs. It wore on for so long and I was getting so restless. I get so out of it when I'm tired and hungry - hypoglycemic, I swear to jebus.
Anyway...went back to rez for dinner and now I'm just killing some time for my laptop to recharge before I head to the library. I need to get some serious work done this week and I'm determined. I just wish I could get this stupid archaeology lab finished. I'm finding it so difficult.
